Category: Intro to Codependence

Next live webinar: Tuesday, April 15th

Live access: http://www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr4

Chapter 5 On-Demand Recording

I apologize for the delay in the blog this week, as I came down with a terrible illness. Thankfully I’m better, and even more thankfully our awesome team can handle things just fine without me! Cecilia taught this week on the concept of control and surrender and how that applies to our lives. I heard it was beautiful, and if you missed it, please take a moment to review the recording.

Now I’m going to take this chance to share what was on my heart that I couldn’t share in our class! Surrender and control is a difficult conversation to have at times, and even more so it can be confusing to understand how to “do” surrender. I remember being in absolute agony on how to surrender all forms of control to God. I would stick my fist at him sometimes and scream “How? Do you want me to stop moving, stop living, stop trying to do life?”

I didn’t understand that control was a lifestyle. I had been controlled by people and at many points felt powerless over things that had occurred in my life. My shattered sense of “making choices” led me to think that I had the entitlement and right to choose and control outcomes on behalf of others. It also left me believing I was forced to comply to standards around me. And so I thought God wanted to seize me in a robotic form. “Do this, don’t do that.” No wonder I couldn’t figure Him out!

I wish I had the perfect description of surrender, but in summary, it became a simple cry. “I can’t.” For me, and for many others on this journey, surrender comes when we realize our best efforts have failed. While that can seem like a negative situation to find ourselves in, it requires the next important ingredient. “But God can.” This is a condition that goes far beyond focusing on behaviors. It is a condition where in the deepest place of our being we realize we are incapable of moving one more inch unless we receive His assistance. God is so much more than “to do lists.” He is a power source!

To make better sense of this, think of it like driving around our “cars” of life. Because we don’t know any better, we have seen our “car” as something that requires our own energy strength to make move. So we get behind and push our car around to get it to where it needs to be, much to the toil and labor of each excruciating breath! We can even hail ourselves as martyrs for the striving and effort it requires to perform this task! “Hey, look at me. Look at how much work it takes for me to do this.” Indeed, pushing that car around takes “strength”, doesn’t it?

Well, it’s a form of strength, but nothing like the strength by which that vehicle was designed to move! We need engine life – which equates to power! It’s truly ridiculous to think of someone pushing a vehicle with the belief that’s the best it can offer for transportation. It’s obvious that it was designed for much more.  Even more dramatically is the nature of our lives. God designed our lives to be empowered by Him, with Him leading and guiding us. He created us to be dependent on Him as the source of strength. Without Him, we are feeble, weak and even with our best efforts, simply cannot live out our intended purposes.  Take that into our relationship struggles, and we are often fighting battles we are not authorized or designed to fight without Him. We suffer significant pain and suffering as a result. Our struggle is real, but it is in vain. Our life’s purpose needs to be aligned.

There is a dramatic difference between the lifestyle of self will versus a life empowered by the Spirit of God. Through surrender, God takes over; injects our vehicle with fuel, gets in the driver seat, and sets out on a new course and new adventure. He begins to make us move, without our effort, to fulfill His will in our lives. Is it scary? Truthfully, at first it is. It is terrifying to let go despite an awareness of our ridiculous efforts we have used to hang on. That is where each of us will have walk through our fears of trusting God as a loving Father, rather than someone who might want to harm us. We will have to accept God’s character as the Bible states, more than what our own life experience may have portrayed.

And when we give ourselves over to Him, handing Him the keys, we find what it’s like to be led by Him, what it’s like to be kept by Him, what it’s like to be loved by Him. Can I gasp before you, or maybe get on my hands and knees and sob like a baby to express the reality of trading my self-sufficiency for God’s competency? Absolutely amazing. I was released from the insanity of my own efforts and learned what it was like to be injected with the Holy Spirit – God’s power activated in me. There are no words.

Wherever you are on your own “ride”, can I encourage and summons you to invite God to drive your car? It will be a wild ride, perhaps at times unsettling, but He will lead you into your authentic purpose and destination. I guarantee that. How do you do it? Ask Him.

Lord God,

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. I meant well, and I didn’t mean to hurt you, but my own system of survival taught me it was up to me to “push.” But in acknowledging I wasn’t created or designed to live without Your power, I come to your feet and say “yes.” Have your way. Take the keys. Drive me where I need to go. Show me power, show me dependence and lead me into wholeness in your time and your way.

In Jesus name – Amen.

Next week:

Chapter 6 will be discussed, and everyone will be asked to begin the inventory process. This can cause some confusion, but please use this process to evaluate your own issues that require a level of healing.

Violations:

Focus on those larger issues that people have done to you.

Your own wrongdoings:

Focus on things that you feel guilt or shame about

Trauma:

Focus on major life events that were very harmful or hurtful

Loss:

Focus on not only people, but loss of self, job, dreams, etc.

Relationship Skills:

Simply look at how your relationships broke down

Use an extra sheet of paper. We will spend two weeks on these; and beginning in Chapter 8, we’ll begin to work through some of these lists through solution-oriented application steps.

Next live webinar: Chapter 5: Ceasing Control

Tuesday, April 8th at 9:30 am
http://www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr4

To watch recorded webinar, click here:

Yesterday we completed Chapter 4 on Love Systems, and I am reminded that this subject only scratches the surface. Learning God’s love is the journey, and we only getting started. It may seem like a simplified and even “pat” answer to claim God’s love as the remedy. But that’s because often our own interpretation of love has been extremely misaligned with its reality. Love isn’t something we will intellectually perceive of, it will require a condition of heart where God is able to pour it into us. In fact, authentic love isn’t even derived from us, it’s a byproduct of the Holy Spirit. Thus all that is required is a connection where He can fill us up, and we can in turn carry that love. Once we carry it, we can give it away. We decided to therefore destroy the concept of J-O-Y (Jesus – Others- Yourself). Instead, we need receive love from Jesus, accept love into our heart, and then give it away to others.

To do this, we only need to have willing, humble and open hearts. God will never bypass us. He does not require we get right with Him first. We are not a burden to Him. He has a passionate interest in being relationally intimate with us as an individual.

That personal relationship is a journey that happens more in the quietness of alone time with Him, rather than the busyness of trying to “figure it out.” What does that mean? If you struggle with how to receive God’s love, spend some time with Him, the person of Jesus Christ, not the theology of Him. Begin to dialogue the contents of your authentic heart – whatever there is inside. Ask Him to help you. There are two motions necessary. One, we must learn to give Him the things that weigh us down, and be willing to release to Him our effort and striving. Two, we must receive His love freely, with no price attached. If you could visualize this, it would be laying the hurts and pains at His feet, and then grabbling His hand to receive the resources He provides.

Understanding God’s love will begin by default to resolve some of the unhealthy love styles we adapted throughout our lives. God completely understands the “whys” of your life. He is absolutely aware of what you struggle with and how earnestly you desire to learn how to love as He intended. Therefore, as He reveals mentalities that need to change, He is loving you. He is not hitting you over the head, demanding or trying to force behavioral changes into your life immediately. He simply wants you to see, comprehend and know that yes, there is more. Yes, He is real.

Homework:

Read Chapter 5 and answer all the questions. This subject is the perfect transition from the subject of last week. That’s because our relationship with Him rests on our ability to trust and surrender to Him.

To listen to Chapter 3: Emotional Strongholds, click below:
http://www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr/EB51DF83894B
(Please note: some people have reported problems with access to this link. If you experience problems, first try a different browser. Then, try to copy the link and paste it directly into the browser. If you still have problems, you can contact the provider directly for some input. The website is http://www.instantpresenter.com. It is helpful for me to know how many people experience the problem so I too can contact them and attempt to have it resolved.)
Body, Soul Spirit Handout

Today we learned about emotional strongholds, and how our emotions need to be felt, validated and then dealt with properly. This is no easy task! That’s because when emotions overtake us, we easily fall victim to them and respond as though we are forced to comply with their “power.” For example, when we experience fear, we feel that fear has a grip on us that can’t be overcome. When we feel rejection, we feel that we are unworthy and unacceptable. When we feel angry, we feel the need to resent or retaliate. However real our feelings are, the truth is that they have a belief driving them. For example, fear is not an isolated condition. Fear is attached to a focal point, There is an actual reason for fear.
Recovery is two-fold. First, we want to begin to capture faulty beliefs and replace them with truth. Then, we also want to learn how to feel pain in a healthy way. Pain doesn’t go away just because we trust God. Pain still hurts, and sometimes when we are vulnerable to feeling pain, it can hurt even more intense. Because pain won’t just disappear, we must learn how to bring our pain to God. It is with Him that we can learn to express our pain effectively, and in turn receive His supernatural resources including love, joy and peace.
Today’s class dealt with material outside of the workbook, so I attached a file to provide the visual we discussed. If you aren’t sure quite yet how to digest this, don’t worry. We are only getting started.
Next week I can’t wait to look at Love Systems. While it can be a bit painful in its method of revealing, I believe this marks the turning point: the place where change begins. I want to remind you that God’s love is a powerful and potent remedy. When you come into its authentic influence, it will change you. I’m not talking about romantic emotional love. I mean the encounter of God through the power of the Holy Spirit. God is not only real, He is available to be in an active relationship with us. Because we have misunderstood and been modeled love improperly, we often place a faulty belief on Him. In fact, the entire area of love has been oftentimes been misaligned. That’s why confronting it is a vital part of this process.

Homework:

Read Chapter 4 on Love Systems and answer all questions.

Next live webinar:

Tuesday, April 1st at 9:30 am (Pacific Coast)

Live Class was held on Tuesday, March 18, 2014
To watch the recorded webinar, click here

Next live webinar: Tuesday, March 25 (Chapter 3)
Live access: http://www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr4

A special thanks to Cecilia and Lynne for facilitating yesterday’s class! I had the blessing of sharing the day with my mom who was visiting me from out of state. As you can tell, Cecilia is a gifted teacher and has a true testimony of transformation – both personally and within marriage, thus her perspective was especially powerful in this topic. Chapter 2 focused on the reality of what happens when the family system as God intended breaks down, and began to introduce the principles of recovery within the family system. Please understand, right now we are looking to understand, diagnose and compare and contrast truth with our own exposure to relationship skills. Change occurs gradually in these areas, thus it’s not something we can necessarily implement immediately. The purpose of this book will not be to focus on fixing those broken relationships immediately, but rather to work on mending and repairing our own hearts through the resource of God’s grace. Learning to be a child of God might seem ridiculously simple. But once you gain access into the heart of your Heavenly Father as your “dad”, you’ll gain access into your value, worth, significance and the enormity of love He has towards you. This will alter your perspective and understanding of why He created family in the first place.

When we get overwhelmed, we must understand that everything we are doing in this process is to allow God to heal and redeem what has been broken, damaged, lost or invalidated. You might say “you don’t know my parents, or you don’t know my spouse.” The truth is that you might have a relationship with overwhelming challenges. We don’t need to negate that reality, and in fact will be exposing those truths in this process. But the hope of recovery is that God is your Father, Jesus is your Spouse, and whatever occurred past or will occur in the future rests on our ability to tap into the magnitude of living out our relationship with Him. Do you believe that He is enough? We are only getting started. Let’s keep pressing forward together. Next week we are going to move and learn about the area of emotions.

Homework
Read Chapter 3 and answer the questions, focusing especially on identifying with your emotions.

Next live webinar: Wednesday, March 25, 2014

Today’s class, Chapter 1 Facing Codependence
To watch recording, click here

Today we formed our first small groups, including a phone conference to discuss the things we learned about in Chapter 1. It was a blessing beyond belief to hear from you, although I wish it was other circumstances that brought us together. I heard hurt and pain in people’s story, and remember well the early phases of my own recovery. It will be difficult at first, but don’t give up. Above anything, right now I want to bring hope and encouragement that God DOES have a solution, and it’s HIS solution, not anything based on how someone else in our life changes. Thank God it is so! But it will not be my teaching that will lead you there. Rather, it’s your own relationship with Him. I pray that you focus not so much on what you do, but what’s happening in your heart. Have an honest dialogue with God. Express your feelings, needs, fears and anything that is on your heart. You may feel confused right now. You may feel excited. You may be afraid to feel anything. As you seek His truth, and make yourself a willing participant, He will faithfully reveal Himself to you.

Chapter 1 defined codependence, and helps us see its roots in detail. As I said today, the most important thing you can grasp is that codependence is derived from something or someone controlling how we think, how we feel, how we make choices and how we form identity. God wants to reclaim this entire system, and will lovingly reveal to each us how we were led down this road to begin with. The other side? Well if we became enslaved to this system, then the other side is freedom. Yes, F-R-E-E-D-O-M. It’s sweet. It’s worth the pain. Its’ worth the work. In fact, nothing will ever satisfy until we arrive there.

The first stop on our journey is to understand God’s purpose of the family system, and how that system is broken. It will expose where and why basic needs may have been unmet. This chapter is not intended to blame your family upbringing. It simply is meant to reveal where some of those basic survival skills may have been formed. Read this material with a tenderness towards your Heavenly Father. See yourself as His precious child, and understand that everything He wants to do in your life and in your family has a redemptive purpose. If you struggle, and see God as a critical Dad, then take note that more than likely you were exposed to something in this world that led to you believe that. I don’t need to tell you, He wants to show you that.

Homework:

Read Chapter 2 and focus on the homework section regarding the roles of mothers and fathers, taking note of the patterns mentioned.

Next live workshop:

Tuesday, March 18th at 9:30 taught by a wonderful and gifted teacher Cecilia Trent
http://www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr4

Access to the recorded webinar, click here
(If you have trouble accessing this link, try a different browser)

We kicked off a new workshop today, and it was a huge blessing for me after having had taken a year off. I was reminded of the great honor and privilege to be able to be on this journey with beautiful ladies (and men) who with great courage seek to find the fullness of Gods’ design. God did new things in me this past year, and I can’t wait to share more as we go along. If there is anything I can say about the process itself, it’s not the function of it. The process of recovery assists like a tool, but only the Author of change and transformation can put into motion all the things we will be learning. You might think of it like a refrigerator. It is engineered and designed with precision and detail to produce the job of housing cold food.  But if the connection to the refrigerator is lost, all those designs are lost with it. Even though it still has the capability of its function, it is in desperate need of a power source to activate that purpose.

In codependence, we oftentimes lost God’s design not because we willfully disobeyed Him, but our connection got muddled. We were dealing with crisis, hurt, injuries and problems around us. People became big, and God became small.  Even as we tried to go through life and Christianity in a functional manner, our connection had interferences and therefore we weren’t able to live by God’s design. Neither could we attain the resources that connection provides: a sense of purpose, love, joy, peace and wholeness. But despite that, our original design is still attainable! We are children of God! We are sons and daughter of the Most High King! Codependence will not define us. Rather, it is the interference system that must leave so we can be reestablished as intended. If there was something in this world that exceeded God’s power, how terrible would it be. But no matter your circumstances, you must believe that since He’s bigger, His resources can outweigh our problems.

If you feel ready and willing to pursue this process, think of it as your chance to fully “plug in” to the activating power of God. God will not minimize, diminish or ignore the reality of our difficult situations. He will validate the injuries of our heart.  But His purpose in taking us through the journey is to allow His light to expose and reveal the things that kept us from being free. From there, He wants to remove what isn’t of Him, and replace it with what He intended.  And most of all, He wants us to experience genuine love.

A Prayer

Lord Jesus,

I ask you to search me and know me. I ask you show me the things that have been hidden from my eyes that have hurt me – things I wasn’t even aware of. I ask that you would reveal yourself to me personally and deeply. I ask for vision to see life through your point of view. I lay down the methods of survival I have adapted to, and choose today to say “no, there’s more than this!” It is not normal for me to live without your promises activated.  Help me grow in faith to rise above the circumstances and be willing to look at you, to believe in you and to trust you. I’m ready to begin.

In Jesus name – Amen

Homework

This week please read Chapter 1 and answer all application questions.

Next live class:

Tuesday, March 11th at 9:30 am

Topic: Chapter 1: Facing Codependence

www.instantpresenter.com/nlsr4